Struggling with myself

A day, just like any other day. A day with no expectations, no desired outcomes. But somehow each day is different. New colors, new activities! Some lighten it up, other make it dark and seem like a fantasy cluttered with moments of horror.

I realize its all up here, in the mind! But being a human is being a believer.

Realisation

I am feeling devoid of emotions. Not that something has died, but something has just evaporated as if it was never even there. Its a strange feeling. Not feeling attached to anything or anyone. Not caring what happens next. A little retrospection but wondering if it would change anything. Its not even a change of perspective but a new vision.
Is it bliss or denial? I think its denial that feels like bliss.
Will that "something" come back later and change the perspective yet again?
I am not sure... isn't that the reason i still have this question.

But truth is.....Love doesn't guarantee happiness, understanding does.

FACTS

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I know some people like that!

A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! That explains it!

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." There was never a recorded Wendy before.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The Final Conversation

I couldn't make an eye contact, but i tried.
I tried to smile, but my lips could stretch but not curl.
Just totally, utterly confused.
It was over. But i forgot.

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

"Don't know". Both were unsure.

"Its ok. Just let it be. I cant escape it". I knew.

"For how long"

No answers. "You should stop wasting your time on me".

"Ok. If you say so".

"It was my mistake. I tried to bring something back to life. Something that was already dead. The angel of the past has become a zombie today. My mistake. So, Its Good bye".

"I lost control too. I am sorry too. So, think the final minute has come; to say good bye. At least the final time we laughed".

"Perhaps i wasn't still ready to let go. But i know, it doesn't work that way. I thought we could be friends, but i know; no matter what; i will always have feelings for you. Probably, this is the only solution. I may try to contact you in my moments of weakness, but i plead to you; please ignore it." It was Good Bye.

"Please don't do it again what you did today. Next time, perhaps i wont be able to survive".

"I don't know why this happened! I couldn't control my feelings. It just happened. I didn't realize."

"Even i am sorry for responding. It won't happen again. Good Bye".


"Good Bye".

Life is funny

We are born to live while we continue thinking of dying and whenwe are about to die, we do want to. :)) Funny! isn't it?

We all think we are pretty strong, can face anything in life. Will make mistakes and learn. But we make the same mistakes over and over. Don't we?

We judge others based on our perception. But do we like when others do the same. Quite funny. :)

Laughing and smiling is considered a measure of happiness. Aren't we in fact hiding something?

Doing wrong things in life and deriving pleasure from it. What can i say!!!

Believing things are tough or impossible and never trying to do the same. And repenting later on! Uh Oh!

Believing in fairy tales as kids and forgetting them while growing up, when the real time is to make a fairy tale of our own. :((

When you lose someone, you realize just how much that person means to you. Is the lesson worth it???

Smile

smile in joy,smile in pain
smile when sorrow pours like rain
smile when some one hurts your feeling
smile when heart is reeling
smile when you r worried much
because a smile gives a healing touch

Two shall be born,...and whole world wide apart..
and speak in different tongues,..and take no thought,
Each of the other's being, and no heed...
and these over unknown seas,to unknown lands,
Shall cross..escaping wreck,defying death,..
and all unconsciously shape every act,
and bend each wandering step,...unto this end,
That one day out of darkness,...they shall meet,
and read life's meaning...in each other's eyes...

--CHEIRO

God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all our life through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But god has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labour, light for the way.

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy,
I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry,
I’m going to let you go in style,
even if it kills me, I’m going to smile.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...
standing on the edge of something much too deep...
funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word...
we are screaming inside, oh, but we can't be heard...
so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose...

Broken heart

Its amazing how someone can break your heart
But yet you still love them with every broken piece

You

The day you took my hand..
you touched my soul,
now with you gone..
i can never be whole

Please tell me if there is anything i can do to bring you back...
even if i must give my life
& that one second before i die...
will you say you love me ?
or will you still make me cry

I don't know how to feel when your the friend that makes me wanna take my life because you are not a part of my today but also makes me wanna live in the hope that you may be a part of my tomorrow...

If my tears were words you could understand,
If my pain was a language you know..
you'd be here with me forever ...
and never ever let me go!


With every cut i make another feet i dig down deep,
bury me there with all the tears i weep.
fill it with my sorrows & all the blood i've shed..
Go on hurt me, kill me..let death be my eternal bed!

When u wait for someone for few minutes its consideration,
for few hours its trust,
for few years its friendship
and when you wait even when you know he wont be back... its love!

I'm going crazy...
I'm going insane..
I'd really kill myself
if only to stop this pain!
I'll cut my wrist deep
and then let you go,
I'm hurting inside
more than you'll ever know!

Change the past

If God let me go back to my past and change what i'd want..
I'd not regret meeting u
I'd not regret us being friends
I'd may not even change this happening...
Because we were once friends
we cared...
we loved...
if not now..
atleast then i was alive..

i carry your heart

carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Even This Will Pass Away

Once in Persia reigned a king,
Who upon a signet ring,
Carved a maxim strange and wise,
When held before his eyes,
Gave him counsel at a glance,
Fit for every change and chance:
Solemn words, and these were they:
“EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Trains of camel through the sand
Brought him gems from Samarcand;
Fleets of galleys over the seas
Brought him pearls to rival these,
But he counted little gain,
Treasures of the mine or main;
“What is wealth?” the king would say,
“EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Mid the pleasures of his court
At the zenith of their sport,
When the palms of all his guests
Burned with clapping at his jests,
Seated midst the figs and wine,
Said the king, “Ah, friends of mine.
Pleasure comes but not to stay,
“EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Woman, fairest ever seen
Was the bride he crowned as queen,
Pillowed on the marriage-bed
Whispering to his soul, he said,
“Though no monarch ever pressed
Fairer bosom to his breast,
Mortal flesh is only clay!
“EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Fighting on the furious field,
Once a javelin pierced his shield,
Soldiers with a loud lament
Bore him bleeding to his tortured side,
“Pain is hard to bear;” he cried.
“But with patience, day by day,
EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Towering in a public square
Forty cubits in this air,
And the king disguised, unknown,
Gazed upon his sculptured name.
And he pondered, “What is fame?”
“Fame is but a slow decay!
“EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

Struck with palsy, sore and old,
Waiting at the gates of gold,
Said he with his dying breath
“Life is done, but what is Death?”
Then as answer to the king
Fell a sunbeam on his ring;
Showing by a heavenly ray.
EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY.”

—Theodore Tilton

God

When I Asked God for Strength
He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face

When I Asked God for Brain & Brown
He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve

When I Asked God for Happiness
He Showed Me Some Unhappy People

When I Asked God for Wealth
He Showed Me How to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Favors
He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Peace
He Showed Me How to Help Others

God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted
He Gave Me Everything I Needed

-- Swami Vivekananda

My own beliefs

And my heart betrayed all dead emotions...
I could hear my breath even if I did not breathe.
Now the changing tides wash over me...
And the freezing breath breezes through me...

I cannot see...
Been ravaged by the chaotic beauty,
Ruined by the unreal temptations...I cannot flee...
Betrayed by my own beliefs...

Regret

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.

I did not die

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."

maybe if my heart stops beating...
it wont hurt so much..

Grave

I saw you sitting and crying..
so i asked you why ?
You didn't answer..
I tried to hold your hand..
but you walked away... wiping your tears
then i realized we were sitting on my GRAVE !

Duaa

hum bass yehee duaa karenge
ke tere saath hum rahaa karenge
har waqt, har lamhaa,
tera naam le kar hum jiyaa karenge
hum bass yahee duaa karenge

A lot more of life

My life got a new meaning,
a new feeling of completeness,
a new kind of uneasiness,
a new perspective towards life
I learnt, a lot more about life.

The way i feel,
a new sweet suffering,
a new intimacy with indecisiveness,
a new urgent need,
I learnt, a lot more about life.

The sound of her words,
a new sound of music,
a new moment of intimacy,
a new desire to live,
I learnt, a lot more about life.

What does GOD want?

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TO BE COMPLETED LATER
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Lots of things that were true 5000 years ago may not be true today. Times change and conditions change.

Take for example, the concept of religion.

Religion started not to make people worship GOD or to gain followers. It was started with a motive, a motive that was noble enough at that point of time. It was towards the early phases of the start of society. The motive was to make living in society a better experience. It was to instill fear of unknown in the hearts to strengthen the concept of good and bad. It was to make people understand that some things are right and others are not so right and that one should refrain from doing those things being a part of the society where lives of people depended on each other.
It was to make them believe that they will get punished if they did the wrong things.
People at that time were not supposed to think as they were not capable enough. Thinkers and philosophers could influence people but all that was to make the life better.

Later on, the same concept was used by some people to gain power by having followers. People were asked not to think too much but rather to believe otherwise bad things would happen to them.
At this time, there were some people who really believed that a better way of life existed and they soon started having followers as people liked their ideas. But overall, the decline had begun.

Today, when most of the wars are being fought for religion.
Isn't it the time when people should wake up, open their minds to truth and see that following the preachings and teaching blindly that may have seemed like a right thing to be done 1000 years ago is not "the right thing" today.

If one believes in GOD, then the one thing to understand is that GOD did not make religion. Religions are just "ways of life". GOD does not want wars. GOD does not preach violence. GOD loves peace. GOD wants us all to use the ultimate gift HE has given to us. The gift is mind. Think on our own as to what is right and what is wrong.

If one believes in GOD truly, then they must understand that the biggest sin one can commit is not to use the gifts given by GOD. A heart full of love, a mind full of ideas.
Mind for creativity and development to make life easy. And a heart to love others and understand that giving love is finding GOD.

Everyone understand that GOD wants us to do the right thing. What is the right thing? GOD has given us brains to find the right thing.

Thinking about you

A dream, Just a Dream
A dream that i saw, wanted it to come true
A dream that i, am watching over you

Wishing for you, Thinking of you
A moment with you, I live for eternity

One more birth, one more life
I don't think just this lifetime will suffice.

A Good Life

I had heard that life has many flavours. But now, i have seen and experienced them too.
I had heard that there are many many good people out there waiting for you to discover them and be friends with. I have met a few of them.

Its a long journey and a person needs to be happy. Whether for a while or life-long with the same person, it matters but the basic rules say..just be happy.

The quest that i had started will end some day but i want to say at the end of the journey that i had a good life. A good life.

Shadow of a man

A thought unexpectedly came to his mind and made him think.

"What’s my purpose?" he asked.
"Why am I here?" he asked.

He was talking to himself. The flicker of the wax candle made a shadow on the walls. It wasn’t creepy. It was just a shadow. He just looked at it and thought to himself," It’s the shadow of a man". And just then he realized that that’s what he was. "Just a shadow". He was the shadow of himself.

He had read books. He had met people that had inspired him. But the inspiration hadn’t lasted long. He wanted to find a purpose but always found himself lost. He had realized that sometimes he felt better just because he thought about it. This sometimes disgusted him. Sometimes this made him relish his thoughts. But it was never concrete.

"Life is breezing past. I wish i could use time than just spending it". He said. Whenever he looked in the mirror he could see a stranger. Sometimes the stranger approved his thoughts and sometimes he disapproved. The funny part was that the stranger looked like him. The Stranger sometimes talked to him and provokes his thoughts.

But there was one thing he was sure of. He didn’t want to repent. But he also knew that if he didn’t do something about it soon enough, he will. He knew it meant that he will repent for several of his actions in the years to come.

"Does it mean that I should stop having these thoughts?"
"Does it mean that I should stop living today because of what he may think when he may be more mature?"
For any person, he thought that the answer may be out-rightly no. But he knew better than to think that. He knew better than to ignore those thoughts. He knew they were important. He knew that this voice is what makes him make better decisions. This voice is what helps improve his thoughts and judgment. He never got the answers to these questions from himself though. He knew that he will have to look for these answers elsewhere. He was sure that there were others who would have thoughts similar to him and they must be able to provide the answers. He just had to look for such people.

Search for answers like these is a quest. Some people spend lives trying to find the answers. Others give up on themselves.

He was also sure that he wasn’t here just to be born, bide his time and die one day. He knew that there definitely was a higher purpose to his existence. All he had to do was find the answer and to do that he had to find a person who can help him find the answer.

Some Questions..Some Answers

This day..Yesterday
This day..Tomorrow

What if i have to live yesterday..again...tomorrow.
What would i do differently? Would i become adventurous or would i try to make it perfect?
What is perfect? What is a perfect day? Rather, What is a perfect life? Well! Is there a perfect life?
What may be perfect for one may not be correct or ethical for someone else. Isn't it too relative?

One person's idea of fun may be significantly different that other persons'.
One person's ignominy may be another person's fame.
One person's faith may be another person's blasphemy.
One person's strength may be another person's despair.

But Why!
Why are people so different?
Is it biological or is it learning?

Lets go on a quest to analyze this and generate some answers and a few more questions.
What makes me even think about these questions? Why am i even making an effort to understand this? I think, its the analysis of the self to know my identity. Just trying to understand myself.

Poeple are so different because they can think.

But, is knowing others at all important in knowing myself? I feel so.
The day humans became "humans" as we know and understand then today, the thing that drove the change was "observation" and "thoughts". Thoughts were stimulated by obversations.
Thoughts have been instrumental for the growth of society. They are and will be instrumental in the growth of self.

I want to grow because i need to.